May 6th, 2017
It is almost midnight, on a Saturday. I am sitting in the soft light of a desk lamp as I write this, alone and scared.
It is not the night that frightens me. It is not the fact that I am alone that inspires my feeling of loneliness; for the is another person, in bed and sleeping soundly, just down the hall.
I am afraid that I have endeavored to achieve a goal far beyond my present reach. I have done this aloud, proclaiming my aspirations to family and friends, and all eyes are upon me. I feel so very alone because, though I have help and support, ultimately my failure or success will depend on no other but myself.
Have I far over-estimated myself? Do I want this terribly bad enough to sacrifice as will be required? Is the hear-break, if i fail, the one from which i never recover? Many would say that I have fallen many times, but have always managed to overcome and resurrect myself both stronger in my resolve and my faith.
I would say that many are being very forgiving, if not quite articulate, with their words.
I was a child that my mother loved, but a child of which my father made no secret his disappointment. I was a wife. My husband told me I was a good wife. Correction; my ex-husband. I am a mother who has a grown daughter who loves me deeply, but I am a mother who knows that is only by God’s grace and not the very unstable and ever changing environment that I was barely able to provide. I am a writer who wrote a book no one has ever read except my daughter and a small handful of friends and family.
Now, I am a woman who only knows that she has never truly known how to be happy. It is only in these last few years that I have found any love for myself that was not a reflection of my self-worth as valued by another.
I have never known what I should be doing; my calling. I have only been able to guess at and work towards, by process of elimination, knowing what I should be doing with my life that will give me enough satisfaction and feeling of “rightness” to want to keep doing it.
Now, I know I have never been truly happy. I know I have not been living the life I was supposed to be living or doing what I was supposed to be doing. I know all this is because I have not entertained the thoughts or felt the emotions that a healthy and happy person knows on a daily basis.
I know these things that I did not know before and with that knowledge comes the retrospect and realization that my thoughts and emotions have, in one way or another, influenced every action I have taken and, thus, every situation I have ever been in. Also, with that knowledge comes the fact that I, alone, have both control and responsibility of my thoughts and emotions.
Where I am, tonight, in my head, all started with my knowing I needed to change my thoughts and the emotions that those thoughts motivate. I decided that my thoughts needed to dictate that I could be and do anything I wanted; no excuses. I could be happier. I could be healthier. I could be stable and constructive. I could start to enjoy this wonderful life that has been passing me by while I shrouded my face in a veil of guilt from the past and subdued my brain with grandiose daydreams of the future.
My thoughts did change. they changed so much that I decided to “do” instead of continue to learn. I changed my thoughts so thoroughly that the emotions they evoked spurred me into making a foolish declaration, the details of which I will spare you other than to say that it seems those grandiose daydreams have not all faded!
But, now, tonight, I am afraid that I have committed to running a sprint race when, in actuality, I have barely evolved into an up-right position. I will say that what I feel I aspired to is doable and I feel more “right” with it than I have anything in a very long time. But, it is a goal to be reached on a much broader timeline than I excitedly set.
I know it is better the simply state to all of whom I have given reason for expectation that I jumped the gun, so to speak. It is much wiser to withdraw with grace than to not only fail, but damage what progress I have already made.
I know this.
It is almost 1:00, on Sunday morning. I am sitting in the soft light of a desk lamp as I write this; finding the irony. When I didn’t know how, I would not have given a moment’s hesitation before sprinting right into this adventure. Now, when I do know how, I know that this is not a sprint race. It is a marathon and I need to pace myself if I ever hope to be victorious at the finish line.
Now, I bid you “Good night”. I must rest, now, as I have a big day, ahead of me. You see, in a few hours, I have to practice some humility and common sense and start training for a marathon!